beautiful me!

• When it’s time, I move my hermitage and go,And there’s nothing to be left behind.14

  – Layman P’ang’s

But the fact is that you take yourself wherever you go. There is no escaping from you. As I read somewhere, “no matter where you go, there you are!”. The very fact that we are going to live with ourselves our entire life makes it imperative that we are in peace with ourselves. It’s important that we have good opinion of ourselves.

My sir, when talking about self-esteem, used to say that the very fact that it is called ‘self-esteem’, means that it’s your opinion of yourself. If you depend on others for your esteem, then it’s not ‘self’-esteem. However, all of us have our insecurities, shortcomings. And it’s really nice when somebody tells us things that are nice. It makes us believe in ourselves.

I still remember the day when one girl, who was my neighbor, told me ‘you look beautiful’. I was 12 then. Well, a small flashback is required here. I always had this feeling that I’m an ugly duckling. I was dark, thin, tall and underdeveloped for my age. Added to that, my great grandmother and others at home never let me forget that I am dark. By the time I was 11 or 12, most of my classmates were little women with curves at the right places. I thought I am ugly. Though I made that up with my studies – was always among the top two in my class, I never thought myself as intelligent either. To sum it up, I had a very poor opinion of myself. Coming back to the anecdote, this girl was younger to me and I used to play with her occasionally. One day she surprised me with that “you look beautiful” – so far I had thought about myself in many ways but beautiful. I really felt happy and pleased with that comment. Even now I remember the emotion I had when she said that – I thought even I can look beautiful sometimes and was happy.

My opinion about myself further improved after I moved in with my parents when I became 16. My father delighted in buying me new clothes and he used to praise me regularly with “you look beautiful”. (I know, I know, all fathers think that way about their daughter/s, but then it does make one feel confident and assured and wanted). He always used to praise my intellect, common sense and whatever I did. For him, I could do no wrong. His trust in me was 200%. He boasted to all and sundry that “my daughter is the best”. That indeed was my foundation for self-confidence.

Till this time I was a confirmed loner – avoided people like plague. I did not have friends. All I heard about myself was from the elders at home. And it was not very flattering, that is till I came to live with my father. I really had no idea what people (other than family) thought about me. It changed when I started working.

One very good point, when I joined my current organization’s corporate office, was the appreciation of the fellow ladies. They absolutely noticed what you wore each day and complimented you on your looks. It does make you feel good that others consider you good looking. By then, I had started on my meditation class and my sir’s life skill lessons are just terrific. It gave me confidence in myself and improved my whole outlook – about myself and others.

Now I don’t really care about what others say about me. I have reasonable confidence in myself. Actually, one of my friends told me long back, when I asked him why is it that I’m not able to relate to other women , that I walk as if I’m on a pedestal and others are poor mortals. That they are afraid to talk to me. What an improvement from the little me with so much insecurities! No. I never thought or think that I’m better than others. It’s just that I don’t know how to talk to women because I grew up with a bunch of boys and I don’t know girl talk.

Looking back, it was a long journey till here. The point is, whatever I become, I will never forget that girl who first told me “you look beautiful” because, to me, that was the turning point or starting point.

All the life skill articles I read these days have this important point “appreciate others’. As far as I’m concerned, that is one of the best things you can do to others. You never know what happiness you are giving the other by just saying “wow”, what you are doing to their opinion about themselves. It doesn’t cost anything.

All of us know about the story of Hanuman. That he was apprehensive about crossing the ocean and Jambavan had to tell him about his powers to make him realize it himself. All of us need appreciation – that way, all of us have that insecurity of Hanuman inside us. All of us can be a Jambavan for somebody else.